The Black Dog

It has been a while since I have sat down to write my thoughts here on my blog. Honestly, I couldn't tell you the timeframe on that. There are only a few things that I can give definite timeframes on: Molly is 18 months old, I get married in a week and a half, and I have officially been unemployed for 7 and a half months. Molly is my greatest treasure, and watching her learn and grow gives me hours of joy. She also frustrates the hell out of me but that is outweighed by her joyful, playful and inquisitive nature. The wedding is fast approaching, and with everything being finalized I am looking forward to marrying the woman I love, the one that I have waited almost 20 years for, with a great deal of anticipation and just a few growing nerves. Then there's Maddi. While she has a tendency to be a surly teenager at times and is starting to push a few boundaries, I couldn't be more proud of her. She entered junior Miss Showgirl at this years annual show, she performed in a performance at church, her group learning four dance routines, one song and a skit in five days. And at scouts she is doing really well having almost achieved her Pioneer level. Sharon and I are so proud of her and everything that she had accomplished this year.

With all that happiness and positive influence in my life, why am I not happy??

As I have mentioned, I have been out of work for around 7 and a half months. At first it was great spending more time at home with Sharon and the girls, helping out more around the house while looking for work and even reskilling. After a while, as the months went on, depression started to creep in. Ever so slightly, I didn't noticed at first. Then finally, today, I had to admit it to myself. I'm suffering from depression.

You see, I'm the sort of person that has to work. If I'm not out working and earning money, then I feel like I'm not pulling my own weight, that I'm not contributing to the household or to my family's financial security. I have applied for around 60 jobs by my count. Probably about just over a 6th of those I have had a face to face interview with. But nearly in all instances, I get the same knock back. "Thank you for you application but unfortunately we had to give the position to someone more qualified." That's if I even get a response. It's so disheartening to put yourself out there like that only to be set up for disappointment. I have only had one person call me up to tell me personally that I didn't get the job and he told me why I. When I asked him for feedback he was more than happy to give me so advice on how to market myself in the future.

Even when I apply for a traineeship, and express my willingness to accept trainee wages and that I am keen and willing to learn from them the either hire someone that is younger or they give the position to someone with more experience, which to me defeats the purpose of advertising a traineeship.

After a while the rejection and the silence starts to grind a person down. Feelings of inadequacy and failure start to creep in to you every thought. I guess it's why it's called Black Dog. Darkness starts to hound your thoughts, gnawing at your soul like a dog gnawing in a bone until even getting out of bed seems like a chore.

I am lucky, for one I have been here before and I can recognize the signs, but mostly I have three bright stars in my night to hold back the darkness - Sharon, Maddi and Molly. My three girls give me the strength to fight back. Small steps though. Firstly, I'm going to stop looking for work until after we return from the honeymoon and concentrate on getting ready for the wedding. Secondly, get some exercise. It's well known that exercise releases endorphins in the brain to help combat depression. And thirdly, I have to remember to take a little time each day for myself. With all that in mind, we will see what happens in four weeks time.

More to follow...